maybe it's the english major in me, that hears a word like 'realistic' and pops up the image of its dictionary definition:

re·al·is·tic Pronunciation Key (r-lstk)

adj.

1. Tending to or expressing an awareness of things as they really are

2. Of or relating to the representation of objects, actions, or social conditions as they actually are

realistic

adj 1: aware or expressing awareness of things as they really are; "a realistic description"; "a realistic view of the possibilities"; "a realistic appraisal of our chances"; "the actors tried to create a realistic portrayal of the Africans"

i hear a word and i hear only the definition to which i'm accustomed. i cannot make the word into a rubber band, flexible enough to hold both our definitions and Webster's, too. realistic to me means simply the most likely thing to happen. i side with Webster on this one. so, when it comes from your lips, as it so often does, it rubs me the wrong way--especially when referencing our relationship, when gazing into the crystal ball of our future--to hear you say that you're trying to be 'realistic' following some negative description of possible outcomes: you're trying to be realistic about things, which means you're allowing for the very good possibility that this will end.

this is what i hear. this is what the word conjures for me. i can take it in sentences like: 'it's realistic that it will be stinking hot in mexico in october' or 'its realistic that you and i will fight and make up again in our lives' or 'it's realistic to believe that the sun will come up tomorrow'. i can't believe in the reality that you and i will end.

but i should know better by now.

it's your way to set things up that way. it makes you feel better to assume the worst outcome. you'd rather be pleasantly surprised when things turn out better than you'd planned. it's a fundamental difference in our thinking--i see the glass half full, you see that realistically at some point, the glass will be half empty. what makes me right doesn't make you wrong. in this case, perhaps, both things are true and the only real difference is perspective.

i need to look at things and believe in the best possible outcome. maybe it's a mom who read too much self-help for her own good, but i believe our thoughts have power and i don't want to give my power to the "probably not's" in my life. i want to believe that everything magical i've ever wanted can happen. meeting you made me believe in that so much more that it hurts me to think of not having your love in my life--i want to build and celebrate and grow with you. i want this love to explode out of its protective covering and become something more beautiful than we both had imagined. i believe in that beauty or i could not be here. i believe that *that* is the most realistic way to look on our love--that was has strong roots will grow--that what is watered and fed by the sun, will endure.

maybe it's not realistic to believe in love. in a world so overflowing with heartache and loneliness and people struggling to find their way, it's easy to see how people become pessimistic about the possibilities that love has to offer. they are tired of being vulnerable and afraid their wounds won't heal.

but i can't live in that world. how realistic was it that i'd find you in the first place? that we'd have this chance to build something exceptional together? even in our most difficult moments, i never stop believing in the possibility and the beauty we embody. without that belief, i couldn't be standing here today, trying to find my way down the road with you.

May 7, 2002