For *G*:

You inspire me. You do.

I want to tell you a story.

And how can I tell you this story, so you'll know it's true? So you'll see its depths, its breadth, its joy, its sorrow? How do I paint the picture so you can see my emotion in the brush strokes, my tears mixing with paint and water to make something beautiful, the love that inspired the magical vision I'm trying to bring to life?

I'd been in love once before. In a love that changed me, in a love that changed the landscape in my geography and made me realize that I wanted to be more than solitary me, that I wanted a child and a partner. At the time, I thought she'd be the other image in the photo.

Now, she is an imprint in black and white and the expansive gray she trailed with her departure. She blurred out the sharpness of my picture of her with a touch of her fingers on lettered keys and an all-encompassing silence, with numbers on a flashing screen and their vagueness. It was another January before I knew what hit me. A colder winter than the one I remembered from the year before.

I left her, the last time, in the humid air of Midwestern avenues that I expected to see blanketed in snow. We'd argued and her leaving was abrupt, but home that night in the crisp air of the city I slept with, I dialed her phone and expected she'd return. A week became two and the summer days folded in on themselves. I took to electronic pages, sending first the chronicle of our love affair and gradually, the bewildered tale of its demise. My grip loosening, I put up pictures, rather than take them down, white-knuckled and wanting to hold on to history.

It was a staggering loss. It was a loss that, at times, felt impossible to overcome. But then, the sun came out, then I dusted myself off. I began to find pleasure in details: Morning mist on my face that felt cleansing, sunlight breaking through clouds and receding back to let the rain fall, the half hour before others arrived at work, checking email, a great cup of coffee. Through the chaos of my day to day, a glimmering light pierced its way into me and I began to feel full again.

Spring was coming and I felt myself opening up. I felt myself growing in leaps and bounds.

Still, I scoffed at the possibility of falling in love on that scale again. I got my feet wet. I thought about dating and then I actually did. As is customary with such things, nothing much came of anything.

Until you.

Until you, I didn't believe I could ever find love again. Until you, I didn't believe my dreams could come true. And mostly, until you, I didn't have this love. This is the love that I want to last. This is the love that's real and mind-blowing and honest and different than any love I've felt before. There was a time in my life when I figured it would all just come down to the timing: the person you met when you were ready to settle down. And over the years, I realized I would never just settle. That it would have to be BIG BEAUTIFUL ALIVE love for me to stay. It would have to be a partnership. There would have to be communion. There would need to be sparks. I required autonomy and also really yearned to share my life with someone else. I would need to say for certain that this is the woman I'd choose over all others. And maybe, just maybe, it took me feeling like I'd never be able to say that again, that made me see how true it is about you. To have been in a position of wondering if I could ever find love again that would fill me in that way and infuse me with such hope and an ability to believe in something again, made me see the magic wrapped around me when I was with you.

And it seemed all at once I saw you rocking our baby to sleep or taking the kids to soccer games or picking out a new couch for the living room or picking up the phone when I called home with good news or kicking off your shoes at the end of a long day. And before I knew it, you became the one I couldn't imagine living without and it got scary and difficult. It felt vulnerable to love someone that much again. And mostly, it felt good: like a breath of fresh air, like the sound of the ocean, like the wind at my back, like a dream come true, even bigger and more beautiful than the time before.

You are everything I never imagined I'd be lucky enough to find in a partner. I love you. I like you. I crush on you. You excite me today more than you ever have. I just want you to see that. I want you to know that I see what we have and that there's nothing I want to do but wrap my arms around it. When it's trying and frustrating and I'm tired or mad or sad, I never lose sight of my love for you. And I've known since I've known that you are my light and I want you to shine on me always.

January 11, 2002