It's not that I want a relationship to be easy. I'm completely aware that they require work. But I'm feeling tired. I'm completely in love and sure about this person, but I'm frustrated and tired and over trying to negotiate space, trying to learn how to talk to each other, bickering about stuff that we're both frustrated about that's really about neither of us or our relationship--when our relationship ends up taking the brunt of the strife.

And we haven't thrown a house or kids or worrying about all the legal protections we won't have 'cause we're lesbians into the mix--it's just the stuff of how our lives continue merging and how neither of us has really had to merge this much.

And it's so hard to feel like you've finally reached a compromise or an impasse, at least, and that you get to sit down and take a deep breath and to find yourself arguing all over again, when all you really want to do is put your arms around her and be able to look at each other and see that your objective is the same, 'cause it is...

Heaven knows, I'm certainly no pro at this. I wonder what's normal, what's worth pushing through, what's a sign we're doomed to fail, what the hell to do to get through this other than therapy (which seems extreme at this point) or ending it (which isn't an option).

I'm so tired today and feel like I could spend of the rest of it curled up and crying.

December 6, 2001