I'm going home this weekend to start therapy again. I also get to have my hair done and see my mom, but mainly I'm going to have what my oh-so-terrific therapist referred to as a "tune-up." It's time. I just get to this point where I feel like it has to happen. This last year has been so challenging for me on a lot of levels: KC, my parents' split, a totally new role in my job at WSP. It's been a really big year and for whatever reason, I've felt detached from most of it. Unlike myself. Normally, I'm able to cry at least, unleash some of the pain and move through it. I've been completely paralyzed about KC. I don't want to do it because ultimately, I don't want to let her go, don't want to have to...

It was when I got to the point where I couldn't send her an email when I wanted, a card, leave her a voicemail. I became too invested in the response rather than being who I want to be, someone who gives love because I feel it, because she deserves to hear it. Everything began to feel like such a huge risk. In some ways, I feel like I'm healing some of that. I feel like I'm making progress, but I realize how much holding back I've done. Now that I feel myself opening up to someone new, the difference is clearer to me.

My therapist has worked with me since I was 15. She has all of my history and she works with me. I'll tell anyone my story, so I don't need someone who just listens and she's very interactive with me. It's just a great fit. And I feel so much of my health and what's great about where I am and how I process things come from the model she set for me, options she gave me.

I'm excited to go back and hesitant. I want to dig in deep and really get to stuff, dive in head first, but I also want to land on my feet.

I'm taking a deep breath and knowing I'll be ok.

July 17, 2001