my heart explodes, travels me through places both new and familiar, pulling me, pulling me to you. my heart breaks to think of this new life, this life with you, ending soon, ending at all. my heart soars seeing you, sunshine through the clouds, the burst of color through the sky at the storm's end.

i peel off the layers. strip myself of my defenses. i stand before you. i look in your eyes. where there could be discomfort, self-consciousness, anxiety, i feel safe, beautiful, calm. this is me. this is my heart unclothed. this is my spirit, empty of artifice. this is my body, unwrapped for you.

sometimes the beauty is painful, like staring in the sun, like liquid mercury traveling the length of your palm, promising danger and radiance in one shiny element. sometimes it's cashmere and a sheltering tree and a still lake bathed in moonlight.

i am terrified and excited, like the heart racing exhilaration of first times, of serving out the match, of the foot tapping wait at the airport for a loved one's return. and still, i know who i am. i find myself in patches of clarity, the deep breath of knowing that things have a perfect order and that at the end of my day, you are there. you are here in me in everything i do, and i want this. this trembling, this terror, this joy, this warmth.

i want you. here. right here. inside of me.

September 5, 2001`