i have a second date tomorrow. two weeks ago, though i've been quite silent about the whole thing, i had a blind date. a girl from the internet. sparklepants forwarded me her profile and i figured, what the hell, i'll drop her a line.

from her picture, she was gorgeous. from her profile, witty, intelligent, was clear about what she wanted. good. so we began to correspond, set a date, met briefly for a few beers and sloppy pool. it was a good first date and i left unsure whether there would be more to follow. in her email persona, she is charming, flirtatious and often insightful. she shoots from the hip and i like that about her. the cards are on the table. i believe that she'll tell me the truth.

in the two week interim since i saw her last, we've been engaged in quite the email banter. her busy schedule (softball, soccer, dating, time with family) and my busy schedule make it difficult to get face to face and often i've worried that circumstance alone will keep us from seeing where the road may lead us. my feeling is that we'll be friends, that if the chemistry that seems to be brewing translates when we're face to face again tomorrow, we'll have a fling (is there a word for an extended fling that isn't affair?) and that will be that. so yeah, they say, you never know, but i'm gonna put my bets on she and i having a great time together if things progress past tomorrow and really liking each other and then leaving it there.

this morning, she said she wishes she could Fed Ex me a vanilla latte.

:::swoon:::

so the girl's figured out the way to my heart is caffeine and vanilla syrup.

i posted an entry already once today that was erased, so to tell you how i'm feeling this morning, i'm going to steal from an email i sent her:

i, too, would rather be in bed this morning. it's a perfect day for sleeping in (or at least staying under the covers). i feel a little like a zombie this morning, grateful for the routine of my every day, daily morning tasks i can get through without thinking too much: take a shower, put on my face (ha!), mess with my hair, all the while wondering what to put on (san francisco is such an unpredictable one...will i be too hot in that by the afternoon?), put on rings, earrings, watch, one final check and apply lip gloss, grab for my bag and out the door. get to work, stare at coffee pot, yell for coffee pot to HURRY UP AND PRODUCE SOME DAMN COFFEE, drink coffee, check email, stare at enormous stack of papers on desk, look outside, wish i were home for the 1,000th time today.

the weather's got me in this mood; flooded by memories, completely lost in my imagination, a combination of my history rushing by me and my dream life all projected onto one morning. it's strange, there's so much changing in my life right now that in some ways i feel ready to burst open with joy in the things i'm learning and ways i'm growing and on the other hand, makes me want to curl up in a ball, plant my feet firmly in the ground and refuse to budge.

it's kind of a tightwire act sometimes, this life, ya know? finding a way to keep your balance, bargaining with gravity and feeling the rush of risk beating in your heart, keeping you alive.

june 27, 2001