i've slept with men, ok?

i'm sick and tired of feeling like this makes me some second class dyke or something.

hopefully, by the time i get the chance to tell you all about this, i'll have cooled off and had a productive conversation with the girl and i won't be feeling like i'm alternating between wanting to apologize for myself and assure her there's nothing to worry about and wanting to scream and say, "fuck off, if that's how you feel. there's no way i'm going further with you if you can't take the fact that i've been with men."

i am not ashamed of my history. i am not ashamed of myself. i don't need to justify myself or my sexual choices to anyone.

and the truth is, i have no idea what she's feeling in all this. this all started because she made the choice (which she should feel free to do) not to meet my ex-boyfriend when she comes home with me this weekend. but i think there's more to it. i've made the assumption there's more to it, even sent emails of the "i need you to accept me for who i am and this is who i am" variety.

it's a weird issue to raise because of the nature of our relationship (dating), although it's not as though we haven't discussed the possibility of things evolving. it's the first real red flag i've seen because i know if she has a problem with this about me there is no hope for us to have a future together. it's an uncomfortable time to have disagreements, when things are mostly wonderful, wonderful and it feels so risky to stick your head out and say, "hey, this feels weird." to her credit, she's been honest with me and she's made so much effort to have good dialogue with me, keep communication open. i'm sure we'll get past this hurdle, but oh, how my stomach is tied up in knots.

August 14. 2001