I suddenly feel so guarded about what I write here, having hurt someone I love because she read a posting that put something that she already knew into a little too clear a perspective. I don't want to censor myself, particularly since there are new stories to tell, but I can't bear the thought of it being received the wrong way. I don't want to rub it in. Really.

Today was KC's brother's birthday, so she's in my heart today. He's the only member of her family that she really held onto and who loved her unconditionally, so losing him had to be amazingly hard on her. Something I cannot begin to conceive of. And I'm sure he's in her heart today, as he always is.

I'm hoping by day's end to overcome my uneasiness and call her, send her happy birthday wishes for her brother. I need to call her anyway. About two months ago, I sent her a package for her birthday. I mailed it to the restaurant, assuming that way she'd be sure to get it. Months went by, I didn't hear from her and spent a whole lotta time cursing her name because she never contacted me: No thank you, nothing. Well, after all that, it turns out she never got the thing. Didn't even make it to Chicago.

I've got some lessons to learn about assumptions. Some lessons to learn about trusting my heart.

July 5, 2001