I'm feeling like I'm getting over her and somehow, somehow that's making me miss her more. It doesn't make any sense, really, but I think I'm just sad that the intensity, all those beautiful colors are fading.

The other day, I was feeling really sad and she kept showing up in my day in one way or another and I just thought what a shame that we're not in each other's lives and that I can't even really remember much about her anymore. She's losing her sharpness. She's becoming a distant memory. I have dream after dream of her lately and she's really sweet to me, always kind, always longing for me.

The new girl factors into it in the sense that while she's very different from KC, I feel there's a ton of potential there. As my feelings for her grow, there's part of me that feels like I'm betraying KC and a part of me that knows that I'm eliminating KC from accessing that part of me.

Reading through old honeydipping entries, it occured to me how MUCH there is/was in me for her. Words upon words upon words. I think I became mired a bit in my longing for a different time, but also wanting that sharpness back, even the pain, because this dull ache makes me feel like she wasn't real. I've lost her voice. I've lost her movements. I don't want to be left with the faded edges. I want something vivid to wrap up in my heart and hold onto. I want to clear out the cobwebs, let in the light and remember her for all the reasons I fell in love with her, not all the reasons I'm falling out.

August 1, 2001