you *are* the master of my heart, after all. a beacon of light, shining across the spectrum of my life to show me the possibility of a love whose light breaks over me, like the sun pouring through the trees at dusk. there are pages and pages in my memory--some funny, some H O T, some sweet or warm and fuzzy, some tearful, some beautiful--and they form a book, a book where you and i begin to try, stumbling sometimes, to build a life together, to make something bigger and better than what we'd known before.

and there are no blueprints for this life, no idiot's guide to love that we could pour through and memorize. there is no owner's manual for another woman's heart that they hand you when you fall into love. so sometimes it's the most gut wrenching, nerve wracking experience imaginable and you want to retreat to your corner of the world where it's safe and familiar and easy. and while i find myself in moments on the low end of the teeter-totter or fearing i may be catapulted into thin air...on the edge of my safety net looking over a threatening cliff, i have a chest of pirate treasure in my mind's eye to open when my doubts rear their ugly heads.

and in my treasure chest it's you holding me. it's you rocking my baby to sleep. it's you beckoning me in from the salt water. you in the shower right after me. you rocking your niece to sleep while i read the newspaper. you building a fire in the fireplace. you watching the little city wake up on an early morning journey to work. you making love to me. you fucking my brains out. you wiping my tears and telling me it will be ok. you teaching me how to catch a ball or pounding a cross court forehand i can only watch whiz by me and applaud. you and i gobbling pasta in italy and smiling at the fat ladies that pass by. you leaving your trail for me to follow. you i find when i search my heart and soul for what i want in a partner and friend.

it's a bumpy road and i've lost my map, but your love is my compass and i pray i will always find my way home to you.

July 23, 2002