We're working on it:

i feel so lucky to have you.

i feel so lucky sitting in a room with you, sitting in a hotel room or cab or restaurant without you, opening an outrageous phone bill for calls i needed like oxygen, typing a message to you so you'll know.

i feel so lucky we found each other.

i feel so proud of you. i feel so proud of myself. i feel so proud of us.

sometimes i step outside myself and look down over this love we're growing and i marvel at the risks we've taken and the fun we've had and the level of intensity and honesty we share and i'm overcome with a rush of emotion: gratitude, love, excitement, fear, happiness.

i truly could not have imagined when we first met and started seeing each other this place where we're standing right now. i could not have known how insightful you'd be or how much you'd teach me or how much i'd see you open up to falling in love with me, to building a solid foundation. i wonder sometimes if it wasn't just a beautiful accident that set the chain of events in motion which lead us to this place--a place cultivated in real, brutal truth, where we were compelled, perhaps by circumstance, but also by a mutual respect, to be completely up front about our feelings and the things that were happening in each of our lives.

i can honestly tell you that sitting in my apartment with you last night, having a difficult conversation, at the end of a difficult day, that i could feel my love and respect for you grow, my confidence that we have what it takes to make it strengthen and my commitment to you deepening. you have a way with metaphor, an intensely beautiful capacity to put an image to your feelings or a concept you're expressing that makes it so clear. and though i don't like it when we disagree, it is often in these moments that i gain insight into your perspective on our relationship, the ways you pay attention to me, the reasons you love me and also, of course, things that we can continue to work on so that our friendship will continue to be strong and so we will have more fun times than strife.

i want to dance with you for a long time. and i don't want your toes to be bruised. i want to stand beside you, but not in your space. i want you to feel safe with me. i want you to know how much i love and cherish you, not because i simply need someone to love, but because i've found a worthy lover in you.

i appreciate your willingness to communicate with me and your dedication to me. it allows me the freedom to really be myself with you without feeling like i'm waiting for the other shoe to drop. i appreciate the respect you show me and all of the little things that you do for me so regularly to light up my life, to make my days easier and to show me you care. i appreciate your willingness to challenge yourself and your history, to think critically about the things that you'd like to change. i want to be the kind of partner who's also willing to be introspective and take responsibility for my share of things.

and mostly, i want you to know that i love you. i love you and i want this to work. i love you and i'm no expert on love. i love you and i'm imperfect. i love you and i'm not going to leave because we disagree. i love you. i love you. i love you.

we are beautiful together. and even sitting in a jeep, in a city saturated by a fall storm, tense and upset and unsure what to do next, i marveled at our willingness to sit still and have the argument rather than slam the doors and walk away. i marveled at the love between you, me, us that still surprises and excites me every day.

November 15, 2001